Sometimes, sex doesn’t go as seamlessly or as smoothly as we had planned. More often than not, things will happen that will draw our attention away from the matter at hand. Things like muscle cramps, farts, funny noises, and accidentally calling out your ex-partner's name… the list is honestly endless! All these experiences are in the realm of normal and are nothing to feel any shame or embarrassment over. We’ve picked out three common experiences below.
1. Pain
It’s not uncommon to experience some pain or physical discomfort during sex, there’s delicate tissue down there. Vaginal or anal dryness can make friction of soft tissue painful, and when you think about the amount of friction that occurs during sex or foreplay – it’s no wonder sometimes our bodies may feel a little sensitive. Pelvic pain is also extremely common at various points during our lives, and some people experience persistent or recurrent pain during sex.
If something starts to feel uncomfortable or painful, stop, and tell your sexual partner. If pain persists, speak to a healthcare practitioner to get it checked out. Sexual pain is common, but it’s not normal, and not something that you have to put up with.
There are also specific products available that may make things slightly less sore. This can include toys, sexual supports and lube, which can help when things feel dry, achy, or too deep.
2. Lack of Arousal
Sexual arousal and libido (and associated genital responses) can change over the course of a life. Bodies can react differently to sexual stimulation over time. Sometimes, physical arousal (such as genital response) doesn’t always match our mental or emotional feelings of arousal. In other words, your body might show signs of arousal without you actually feeling turned on, or you might feel mentally or emotionally aroused without significant physical signs. This is called arousal non-concordance. It’s normal and common for your body to react one way while your mind feels another, and this doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, it’s just how bodies work sometimes. Navigating this can be a lesson in self-compassion and understanding. It can help to redefine our sexual responses and better appreciate the diversity and complexity of sexual experiences. Go gently with yourself.
If changes in your libido, arousal, or sexual response are concerning or distressing to you, you can speak to a health practitioner, counsellor, or sex therapist about it. There may be support, exercises, or medications that a professional can provide, and telling them is the first step.
3. Barrier protection breaking
Even if you’ve made sure your barrier (condom/dam) is in date and you’ve used your first line of defence against barriers breaking (lube), barriers are still not 100% breakproof. We know this can be a scary thing to happen, so there are a few simple rules to follow if you find yourself in this situation.
- Once you become aware of the barrier breaking/tearing in any way, stop what you’re doing immediately.
- Withdraw from any penetration.
- Take off the broken barrier, replace it with a fresh and in-date barrier and reapply a water/silicone-based lube.
- Get back to it!
After sex, book for an STI test. If you’re having the kind of sex that could involve HIV transmission and you don’t have another line of defence (PrEP/U=U), you may be eligible for PEP. PEP can be found at emergency departments and must be started within 72 hours of the potential HIV exposure. The sooner you start PEP the better, it’s most effective within the first 24 hours. If the barrier protection was also a form of contraception for you, you may need emergency contraception.