Libido is your desire for sex, with yourself or others. Sometimes, it’s referred to as your ‘sex drive’, although it’s not actually a biological drive like being hungry or thirsty or needing sleep. It’s more about having interest an in or wanting sexual intimacy.
Quite often, libido is high when you enter a new relationship because there’s a strong chemistry during the ‘honeymoon phase’. This experience is quite common and can be a lot of fun. Research shows that over time, relationships move into a different phase called ‘companionate love’, where your desire for sex may not feel quite as high.
Libido also looks different for different people. Some people can be ready and willing for sex or intimacy from a small amount of sexual stimulus, or none at all. This is commonly referred to as spontaneous desire. Others can need a bit more sexual stimulus, build-up, momentum, or some things to be just right. This is commonly referred to as responsive desire. Your libido can change over time, too.
Spontaneous desire: Ready to go, pole position, engines blaring, easily turned on from the smallest thing.
Responsive desire: Needs particular signals of intimacy, closeness, and sexual relevance to feel desire and arousal.
It’s quite common for people to start engaging in sex without feeling complete and utter desire from the very beginning. But with the right things, time, or sequence of events, desire and arousal can build. Just like dinner doesn’t magically appear on the table, there are a few things and steps that make it happen, like shopping, cooking, and serving. Libido is just like that for a lot of people, a process.
To find the right things to turn you or your partners on, you’ll need to ask yourself or your partner. And don’t just look in the bedroom! Sexual stimulus, or things that can build arousal can also be found outside of sex.
The Dual Control Model of Desire and Arousal
There’s a model of libido called the dual control model which works a bit like the brake and accelerator of a car.
The accelerator represents all things that say, ‘Let’s have sex’. Everybody’s accelerator can be triggered by different things or experiences. Some common examples include seeing something arousing (like someone dressed in something hot), feeling loved and cared for, having cues of closeness or intimacy or experiencing something that your body associates with sex or intimacy – like being clean or being sweaty.
The brake represents all the things that slow or stop your desire for sex. Everybody’s brake can be triggered by different things or experiences. Some common examples include being tired or stressed, body image concerns, performance anxiety, or worries about safety.
Both pedals work independently but can also be activated at the same time by different things. For example, your accelerator might be all the way to the floor, the engine revving ready to go, but there might be a whole lot of weight stacked up on your brake so you’re just sitting there, burning rubber. If you can shift the weight off the brake, you might start moving. To explore your accelerators and brakes, try this simple exercise:
1. Set the Scene
Find a quiet, private space where you won’t be disturbed. Grab a notebook or use your phone for notes.
2. Identify Your Accelerators (Turn-Ons)
Think of a time when you felt aroused. What was happening? Consider physical sensations, emotional states, fantasies, or environments that helped.
- What kind of touch, sights, or sounds increase your desire?
- Are there emotional or mental states that get you in the mood?
Write down your responses.
3. Identify Your Brakes (Turn-Offs)
Now, think of a time your arousal faded. What was going on? Reflect on physical or emotional factors, stress, or environment that shut you down.
- What situations, behaviours, or feelings make you lose interest?
- Do stress or fatigue affect your arousal?
Write down your responses.
4. Review
Look for patterns in your accelerators and brakes. How can you create more situations that turn you on and avoid those that turn you off? Consider communicating these to your sexual partner(s) if you have one or keep it in mind for your next sexual encounter.