Aftercare is the time people spend caring for each other after sexual activities. Aftercare can be a beautiful exchange of emotional or physical actions that strengthen relationships and support sexual and emotional safety. It commonly involves cuddling, talking, sensual touching, showering together, hanging out and watching a movie.
It needs to come from a place of genuine care and respect, and if you can get into that space, you won't go wrong!
What do my partner/s want after sex?
Ask them! Having a conversation before sexual intimacy is a great place to start learning about what your partner would like as aftercare. When you first start asking questions like these, it can feel a bit awkward, but this can be super sexy, especially for people who thrive on feelings of connection and intimacy and people with responsive desire styles.
You can ask your partner questions like:
- ‘What kinds of things do you like after sex? I like staying naked together for a bit.’
- 'If you feel vulnerable after sex, is there anything I can do to help you feel safe again?'.
- 'Do you like to cuddle after sex or get up and have a shower?'.
This is also an opportunity to set the scene for what you require. You could think about saying things like:
- 'Sometimes I can have some tricky feelings after sex and would be keen to go back to mine after and watch a movie. It always makes me feel a bit better, would you like to come?
Aftercare doesn't just have to stop at the post-sex exchange, either! It's great to get into the habit of checking in on the days after you have sex, as well. Sometimes, it takes time to process all your thoughts, feelings and emotions and having a sexual partner respect that and check-in can make them feel supported and validated.
What if there isn’t time for a chat?
Having sex, particularly sex with strangers or in venues, can be exciting and thrilling, but there isn't always time for a chat. This can flood our brains and bodies with all sorts of chemicals that can feel great at the time but might be followed by a crash. Aftercare doesn’t always need to be long or look the same, it can also include offering your contact details to someone for contact tracing if any STIs are around.
Can I do this for myself?
Sometimes, there might be occasions where it’s up to you to create feelings of safety and warmth for yourself, within yourself!
Some people can feel cold, tired, vulnerable, and sore after a sexual encounter. Particularly for people living with a disability or other chronic conditions, these feelings might be exacerbated. It's essential to think about the potential toll on your body and be prepared. Have fun and get creative! Here are some ideas for what you could do to support your self-care:
- Ask a friend to come over and help build a pillow fort and watch movies to help with any feelings of loneliness;
- Take some medication that can help with swelling (e.g. ibuprofen), a shower and read a book to help centre yourself and reduce any swelling or pain
- Keep snacks or comfort food ready and waiting for you when you get home
How you meet your wants and needs is entirely up to you!